TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL NIGHT 4: WEEKEND PASS

Four sailors on weekend pass try to "get some" in Los Angeles. And that's pretty much it. It's great if you don't wanna think too hard. They start out at a strip club then go to Venice Beach, then a comedy club, Beverly Hills, then finally an aerobics party at a gym.

Bunker is the black man of the group. He takes the guys to the ghetto for some soul food only to run into his old street gang, the Mau Maus. He bare knuckle fights with Bertram the leader(Grand L. Bush aka Agent Johnson from Die Hard and Balrog from the Street Fighter Movie) who happens to know karate. Anyways, the cops stop them and they move on. Bunker meets an aerobic instructor and hooks up with her just because she like how bold he is.

Paul is the wannabe stand-up comedian who tells the most excruciatingly unfunny jokes you could ever want to hear. Well, he gets his chance to tell them at a comedy club where he bombs but meets another young lady comedian(or comedienne as they like to be called) who also bombs, which bonds them. It saddened me to see the late great Phil Hartman as the MC at the comedy club telling awful jokes, but you gotta start somewhere. He was probably saving his good stuff for Pee Wee and SNL.

Webster hooks up with an old college girlfriend who now works in the music industry or something in Beverly Hills. She's not who he remembers. She's far too stuck up for Webster to even hook up with. And she wants to use a vibrator on him. NO THANKS!

Lester is the 80s nerd of the group. He handles computers for the Navy. His name is Lester. He wears glasses. Yeah, that's a nerd. The others try to get him an Asian massage that ends in Lester's back breaking or so it would seem. He doesn't get "any". So he prepares for his blind date with a sergeant's niece at an aerobics party.

At this aerobics party, Lester's blind date happens to be the nerdy girl of his dreams. Webster meets the nerdy girl's cousin who is surprisingly attractive for being the cousin of a nerdy girl. They all hook up at the aerobics party and then some flashy 80s dancing in leotards. Then Monday hits and they must report back to the navy. Finally it ends.

At just 85 minutes, this movie felt horribly long. The parts in the comedy club were by far the worst scenes ever in film history. Every film that featured stand up comedy in the 80s features the absolute hackiest comedians ever with horrible jokes and the audience fake laughing as hard as they can. I couldn't believe there would be stand-up comedy unfunnier than the stuff featured in the Tom Hanks/Sally Field farce, Punchline.

It only featured a poor 4 sets of 80s juggs. Boo. This has to be the worst one so far. And what do Sailors on weekend pass have to do with school? I thought this was the TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL COLLECTION.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL NIGHT 3: CAVE GIRL

I'm guessing this is supposed to be high school even though the students are quite clearly in their 30s. Anyways, nerdy misfit Rex constantly being picked on in school, this easily could have turned into some Nerd revenge tale like Revenge of the Nerds/Killer Nerd/Slaughter High, but it's a comedy,... so Rex must be humiliated and like it. And Rex is like a skinnier, less hilarious version of John Candy.

So on a class field trip to a prehistoric cave, Rex stumbles upon some sort of cosmic crystal. At the same time, the military is testing missiles whose explosions cause the cosmic crystal to activate and transport Rex back 25,000 years! . . . and loses his nerd glasses.

Upon arrival and after a long 20 minutes into the movie, Rex finally meets a beautiful cave girl named Eba. So for the next hour, Rex tries everything to get into Eba's pants . . . err loin cloth. And he comes off particularly creepy groping her and trying to spread open her legs.


But of course, there's also a group of very retarded and very unfunny cave men and cave women out to cock block Rex. And their antics drag on, them getting into Rex's shaving cream and playing with it, I swear this went on for 10 straight minutes.

Anyways, after getting separated for 5 minutes, Eba and Rex find each other and celebrate by of course, getting it on. Then some cave cannibals show up and kidnap Eba and the unfunny cave people. Rex must figure out a way to save them. Good thing he had some fireworks in his back pack to scare the cannibals away. Then Rex finds his glasses and retraces his steps and gets transported back to his class field trip.

When no one believes his crazy story of him going back in time and banging a hot chick, he decides he wants to go back and a cave man meets him at the cave entrance, proving him right for everyone to see. He gets back to Eba and lives happily ever after in prehistoric times.

This collection seems to get worse as I continue to watch. Well, if Eba the cave girl wasn't so hot, I probably would have stopped the film halfway through. And this film had 7 sets of 80s juggs, 5 of which you see in the trailer. So if you like comedies and you hate laughing, this is for you.