Badass album covers from badass albums.

I mean just look at them! White Album(and Black Album) my asshole, you need visually stimulating images to make me wanna buy an album. I mean, don't get me wrong, great music is a plus, but my eyes need a bit of candy to enjoy while my ears get to have all the fun.

WARFARE - METAL ANARCHY

This is so beyond shitty(looks like it was drawn with color pencils) that is actually cool. This cover made me want to gush about the kickassitude of album covers. It has barbwire bordering around it, the head Warefare dude has guts or brains or gore of some sort in his clenched fist which reflects in his "shiny" aviators. He is soooo cool that it makes you ignore how whiny and pouty looking the other two are. "Lefty" looks like Ron Perlman from the Beauty and the Beast tv show and "Righty" looks like David Bowie from Labyrinth.



And they sound like Venom without the stupid Satanic shit. And the Aviator guy is the lead singer AND drummer!!! Get this already.



FATSO JETSON - FLAMES FOR ALL

Dr. Zaius, the smartest, yet most hard headed orangutan on Earth graces this cover. Planet of the Apes, is without a doubt, the best film about a planet ruled by apes ever made and absolutely no James Franco to be found. So upon seeing this cover, I had to listen.

The music itself is a spacey stoner rock reminiscent of their Palm Desert Scene brethren, Queens of the Stone Age, except better because it has Dr. Zaius on the cover.



NEUROSIS - PAIN OF MIND

A goddamn crooked politician weaseling his way out of trouble(Budd Dwyer) by eating a bullet. An album cover doesn't get any more Punk than this! This is actually the cover for the vinyl reissue of the album but is far more superior to the original meh looking cover art.

This is early hardcore punk Neurosis, crusty and angry as fuck.



HOODED MENACE - NEVER CROSS THE DEAD

This album sounds exactly how the cover looks. Grim, scary, heavy doom that fills you with dread. It's as if those ghouls on the cover will appear out of thin air and bludgeon you to death and make you join their hooded army of the undead, setting out to make humanity pay for awakening them.

And check out that metal as fuck logo. Spider web, inverted cross and two hooded ghosts.


CALIBRO 35 - CALIBRO 35

Now this is truly one of the most badass covers of all time and an awesome as shit album too. Calibro 35 is an Italian jazz/funk/rock band that covers themes from Italian crime films by composers such as Luis Bacalov and Ennio Morricone. Poliziotteschi films were pretty much Italy's answer to "Dirty Harry", "French Connection" and "Death Wish" in the 70s. And usually ultra violent.

This album makes you feel like taking down low life criminals or crooked cops with style.


And shit, check out this flick starring Franco Nero. He was an Italian action film badass back in the day.

Delta Force 2 Kicks Your Ass in the Dick!

Lesson #1: Roundhouse kick to the face. Lesson #2: Roundhouse kick to the face with the other leg. School's Out. I purchased for a mere $5 at Target, a two-fer DVD of Chuck Norris action extravaganzas, Missing In Action and Delta Force 2, classic mid-budget action films I would only expect from Cannon Films. Tons of clearly that's a stunt double moments and explosions!

Billy Drago(man in white suit from The Untouchables) is Ramon Cota, a drug lord who is insanely creepy(as most Drago characters are) and kills everyone who gets in his way. He wipes out a woman's husband and kills her baby and then uses the baby to smuggle heroin. Then he rapes the woman! Damn!

Of course, its up to Chuck Norris to capture him, drop him out of a plane, catch him mid air while skydiving, take him to court, only so he can be released on bail. Cota then takes it out on Norris' partner by, you guessed it, killing his wife and the unborn child inside, then luring him to South America to murder him in a gas chamber.

Then Chuck gets really pissed and declares a one man war on drugs in South America. And since its Delta Force, he trains some guys by beating the shit out of them with roundhouse kicks. With help from the raped woman from earlier, Chuck infiltrates Cota's fortress, captures him, loses him, Cota murders the woman he raped, then is captured by Chuck again, while being chased by Cota's loyal henchmen.

While repelling up to the helicopter for pick up, Cota's henchman in an attempt to free Cota, swipes the rope with a machete which later snaps when they are high above the jungle. And they didn't seem to be flying that high hanging from the chopper, but Cota looked as if he were skydiving as he fell to his death. The End of the drug trade! Yay! This movie gets 5 Roundhouse kicks in the face out of 5 from me.

And Billy Drago isn't just acting creepy, he lives creepy. Here he is doing an introduction of Silvana Gallardo's The Acting Class, an instructional video for acting, which I'm trying to track down on VHS.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL NIGHT 4: WEEKEND PASS

Four sailors on weekend pass try to "get some" in Los Angeles. And that's pretty much it. It's great if you don't wanna think too hard. They start out at a strip club then go to Venice Beach, then a comedy club, Beverly Hills, then finally an aerobics party at a gym.

Bunker is the black man of the group. He takes the guys to the ghetto for some soul food only to run into his old street gang, the Mau Maus. He bare knuckle fights with Bertram the leader(Grand L. Bush aka Agent Johnson from Die Hard and Balrog from the Street Fighter Movie) who happens to know karate. Anyways, the cops stop them and they move on. Bunker meets an aerobic instructor and hooks up with her just because she like how bold he is.

Paul is the wannabe stand-up comedian who tells the most excruciatingly unfunny jokes you could ever want to hear. Well, he gets his chance to tell them at a comedy club where he bombs but meets another young lady comedian(or comedienne as they like to be called) who also bombs, which bonds them. It saddened me to see the late great Phil Hartman as the MC at the comedy club telling awful jokes, but you gotta start somewhere. He was probably saving his good stuff for Pee Wee and SNL.

Webster hooks up with an old college girlfriend who now works in the music industry or something in Beverly Hills. She's not who he remembers. She's far too stuck up for Webster to even hook up with. And she wants to use a vibrator on him. NO THANKS!

Lester is the 80s nerd of the group. He handles computers for the Navy. His name is Lester. He wears glasses. Yeah, that's a nerd. The others try to get him an Asian massage that ends in Lester's back breaking or so it would seem. He doesn't get "any". So he prepares for his blind date with a sergeant's niece at an aerobics party.

At this aerobics party, Lester's blind date happens to be the nerdy girl of his dreams. Webster meets the nerdy girl's cousin who is surprisingly attractive for being the cousin of a nerdy girl. They all hook up at the aerobics party and then some flashy 80s dancing in leotards. Then Monday hits and they must report back to the navy. Finally it ends.

At just 85 minutes, this movie felt horribly long. The parts in the comedy club were by far the worst scenes ever in film history. Every film that featured stand up comedy in the 80s features the absolute hackiest comedians ever with horrible jokes and the audience fake laughing as hard as they can. I couldn't believe there would be stand-up comedy unfunnier than the stuff featured in the Tom Hanks/Sally Field farce, Punchline.

It only featured a poor 4 sets of 80s juggs. Boo. This has to be the worst one so far. And what do Sailors on weekend pass have to do with school? I thought this was the TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL COLLECTION.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL NIGHT 3: CAVE GIRL

I'm guessing this is supposed to be high school even though the students are quite clearly in their 30s. Anyways, nerdy misfit Rex constantly being picked on in school, this easily could have turned into some Nerd revenge tale like Revenge of the Nerds/Killer Nerd/Slaughter High, but it's a comedy,... so Rex must be humiliated and like it. And Rex is like a skinnier, less hilarious version of John Candy.

So on a class field trip to a prehistoric cave, Rex stumbles upon some sort of cosmic crystal. At the same time, the military is testing missiles whose explosions cause the cosmic crystal to activate and transport Rex back 25,000 years! . . . and loses his nerd glasses.

Upon arrival and after a long 20 minutes into the movie, Rex finally meets a beautiful cave girl named Eba. So for the next hour, Rex tries everything to get into Eba's pants . . . err loin cloth. And he comes off particularly creepy groping her and trying to spread open her legs.


But of course, there's also a group of very retarded and very unfunny cave men and cave women out to cock block Rex. And their antics drag on, them getting into Rex's shaving cream and playing with it, I swear this went on for 10 straight minutes.

Anyways, after getting separated for 5 minutes, Eba and Rex find each other and celebrate by of course, getting it on. Then some cave cannibals show up and kidnap Eba and the unfunny cave people. Rex must figure out a way to save them. Good thing he had some fireworks in his back pack to scare the cannibals away. Then Rex finds his glasses and retraces his steps and gets transported back to his class field trip.

When no one believes his crazy story of him going back in time and banging a hot chick, he decides he wants to go back and a cave man meets him at the cave entrance, proving him right for everyone to see. He gets back to Eba and lives happily ever after in prehistoric times.

This collection seems to get worse as I continue to watch. Well, if Eba the cave girl wasn't so hot, I probably would have stopped the film halfway through. And this film had 7 sets of 80s juggs, 5 of which you see in the trailer. So if you like comedies and you hate laughing, this is for you.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL NIGHT 2: MY CHAUFFEUR

Oh god, this has to be the worst one so far. The very sassy Casey Meadows gets the opportunity to become a chauffeur for a rather snobby all male limousine service from a mysterious letter from the owner, Mr. Witherspoon(EG Marshall aka rich man with bug problems from Creepshow). Her unrefined behavior causes her to become unpopular among her male peers and manager.

In an effort to push her out, her first assignment is to pick up British punk rock star/Johnny Rotten knock-off, Catfight. He is far too drunk and surly to get to the concert on time or is he?! After a wacky panty raid in a public park, Casey gets Catfight to the show on time and gets high marks.

Then her toughest assignment, Mr. Witherspoon's son(whose name I can't recall)! She picks him up after his girlfriend leaves him. He gets piss drunk, runs naked in a public park. She lets him sleep in her bed, then he wakes up acting like a rich snob.

Later during a long drive in the desert, the car overheats, Casey and the boss' son go on a long walk looking for a gas station or something as she annoys him and of course, sexual tension builds. They stay in a farmer(Frances from Pee Wee's Big Adventure)'s house and bang each other, making Mr. Witherspoon's son want to marry Casey!



Her next assignment is picking up a rich Arab sheik(Teller) who is hijacked by a con man(Penn) and they go partying in the city. For allowing that to happen, Casey is fired, but by then, the other drivers had finally warmed up to her. Then what follows is just like the last film, a rather abrupt ending that ties up the loose ends in 6 minutes . . .

Witherspoon's son finally introduces Casey to Mr. Witherspoon and he reveals why he hired her . . . He banged her mom, he is her father . . . WHAAA!!?? Witherspoon's son and Casey can't get married now and in fact performed incestuous relations with each other . . .

NOT SO FAST!!! It turns out one of the other chauffeurs who acted stuck-up towards her was in fact, really her father. PHEW!!! Now Witherspoon's son and Casey finally get married and AWWWW!!! HAPPY ENDING!

So this was even more shittier than the last movie. Only 5 sets of juggs this time. It sucked, but it's worth it just to see the rich snobs get annoyed. Sigh.

TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL NIGHT 1: MY TUTOR

So last summer I spotted the ultimate DVD collection for a mere $6.99, the TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL COLLECTION. 12 raunchy teen comedies from the 80s. Yes, 12 movies in one collection. They aren't well known hits, mainly obscure Porky's and Fast Times at Ridgemont High knockoffs. I just had to have it. They are most definitely awful. I decided to dedicate 12 nights to them.


TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL NIGHT 1: MY TUTOR





Just finished this so called gem. So, Bobby is flunking French and the only way he can achieve his father(Kevin McCarthy who was angry old R.J. Fletcher in the Weird Al classic, UHF)'s dream of getting into Yale is if he takes the make-up exam. So his dad hires Terry, the best French Tutor in town, to help Bobby. His dad even tries to bribe Terry into having sex with himself, but for some reason she refuses.

In between French lessons, Bobby and his friends, one of whom... is a pre-Back To The Future "George McFly"(Crispin Glover who is super greasy and has "for real acne" and not fake movie acne), go out on the town and constantly try to "get some".

But of course throughout their French lessons, Bobby and Terry finally break the sexual tension that has quickly built up over the first 15 minutes of the film and Terry teaches Bobby how to be a man. And what 80s comedy isn't complete with a "rich jerk boyfriend" who drives a porche? The rich jerk begs Terry for forgiveness for previously cheating only to end up cheating on her again and being a jerk about it. And he gets his comeuppance by crashing his Porche.

Anyways, Bobby passes the exam and Terry earns a $10k bonus from Bobby's father which makes Bobby accuse her of being a hooker after she decides she wants to go to France(?) without him. Then he stands up to his father, not wanting his dreams of becoming a lawyer, but instead wanting to be an astronomer.

And so they wrap it up rather abruptly in the last 6 minutes with Bobby hooking up with his high school crush and making up with Terry and seeing her off to France.

So this was a pretty shitty film with 6 or 7 different sets of floppy 80s juggs. So . . . Highly recommended!!!